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Sunday, June 7, 2009

Start Planning

Oil rich middle-easterners are buying English football teams like dates at a bazaar. That's what you do when you have run out of parking space for your Ferraris and Rolls Royces. Forget the private jet collection. A mere multi millionaire like John Travolta has three parked in his back yard. Conveniently, his backyard abuts a private airfield. If you are a Sheik it's likely your backyard abuts ten billion barrels of oil.

Trust me, you tire of Tiffany diamonds just like the next man and buying blond nubiles on the slave market loses it's luster after the first ten or so, not to mention the fact that western slaves are constantly nattering on about their rights. Now that those pesky Dubaites are creating palm-shaped islands where nothing lay before, it's time to do something new. So you purchase a Premier League team and proceed to spend your way to a championship or two.

What other options are there? You used to keep a stable of Arabia's finest in a quest for the elusive triple crown. Then some hayseed with a homegrown nag comes along and wins one of the majors. Just like that! Nobody has any respect anymore. You would have bought a Formula 1 team but upstarts like the Brawn team have debased the value of the sport, not to mention the fact that those pesky Italians don't want to hand over the ownership of their national icon to an outsider like yourself.

You should have bought China back in the day when they still made stuffed toys but you had to listen to that dumb-butt accountant Ahmed when he said if things didn't pan out, 1 billion angry Chinese might have been a handful. You ought a water board the bastard!

I'm sorry to have to tell you that the English football team gig has been tried already and worked for a while until other teams discovered the newest stars and suddenly things changed. Don't you know as soon as you spend a bundle buying the best footballers on the planet, along will come some old codger with a team he built from scratch and they'll flog you out of the sport.

Time then to go long. And hard. Conveniently, now that the American economy has been cheyneyed ( a Wall Street term meaning “shot in the face”), there are a lot of bright guys walking around looking for something to pay the mortgage and keep the lease on the Audi alive. Russia has its fair share of unemployed scientists, technicians and generally inebriated types. Things are tough in North Korea, not to mention, Iran. Not even China can employ 1 billion of its own in these tough times. They gotta have two hundred thousand spare nerds and gear heads just hanging around the neighborhood Sunmoonstarbucks. I'd suggest you get serious and knock one off the planet. Start planning a mission to Mars.