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Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Sexual Surging

You may be slightly dismayed to learn that 76% of pastors around the country struggle with issues related to porn. These are not my statistics; rather they are the result of a scientific survey of men of the cloth nationwide. Who knew that the cloth had changed from a bib to a g-string in the time it took me to leave catholic school and grow a few grey hairs?

Naturally, there is a bright side to all of this. Those of you who are struggling with issues relating to porn can now seek sage advice from men who know that of which they speak. I always found it rather odd that I was told to get marriage counseling prior to tying the knot but I couldn’t quite put my finger on that nagging feeling in the back of my mind. It later occurred to me that taking advice from a sworn enemy of the frock was akin to asking a gambler if I should cut the red wire or the blue.

What would a priest know about marriage that he could possibly impart? Priests can give good advice on gambling though, and a few other things to boot. Quoting from The Catholic’s Guide to Bingo Party Gaming is mother’s milk for most priests. But the Catholics aren’t the only church with homegrown expertise. If you want to know how to become a millionaire you have to talk to the Baptists, some of whom have taken fund raising to higher plains.

I happen to know of a mega church whose Wednesday rituals include signing the slip for the armored car driver who picks up the collection from the prior Sunday. These guys could tell you a thing or two about subscription sales and the finer points of ATM machine servicing. What sayest thou? Thou hath not an ATM at thy church? That is so old school dude! I bet you thought the folks in the front row of televised Sunday programs are the ones that got there first. Not so. Those are reserved seats allotted according to the size of your tithe, determined by church examination of your W2. What appears to be a random collection of the faithful come to worship is actually carefully orchestrated modern day absolution.

The one thing you are guaranteed never to see mega churches do is encouraging the faithful to blow themselves up. Which brings me to the subject of how a surge could bring a quick end to the war in Iraq. Rather than send more troops over there to discourage the Iraqis from their practice of deep self-immolation, a small flotilla of Southern Baptists is all we really need. A few days of consultations and the Imams will begin to see the futility of their congregation-reduction programs.

Of course we’ll need to back up their visit with a quick and dirty roll-out of free wireless internet service within hailing distance of every Mosque. Within a couple of months, 76% of Iraqi Imams would be too distracted by internet porn to struggle with issues related to bombs.

Mike McFarlane


Essence of Marriage magazine said...
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Essence of Marriage magazine said...

Glad to see you're writing again; can't hurt to have a record and clear testimony of your writing skills. I think you will enjoy this writer's style as well. Check out his archives...hilarious:
In particular, you may want to check out his Saturday Feb 24, 2007 article, "I’m not Homophobic; I’m Chick-O-Centric." Best to you.

sathigher said...

thanks for your encouragement. Doug Giles is pretty interesting.