Pipe Dreams

Psychiatrist Igor Grant, MD, writing in the Journal of the International Neuropsychological Society, says long-term, and even daily, use of marijuana does not cause brain damage. However, prolonged use of words like neuropsychological is another matter entirely. I am humbled by that revelation and in the interest of advancing science myself, wish to pronounce that the obverse effect can be demonstrated. Having left you stunned by my feat of scientific legerdemain, let me explain that which I postulate. Failure to use marijuana on a daily basis CAN cause brain damage.

Some 26 percent of the population admits to using marijuana, which should tell you that that some of the remaining 74 percent of the population is lying or suffers to some degree from brain impairment. It is more widespread than you may think and is not simply relegated to workers at fast food drive-thru windows who can mix up your order of one serving of french fries. Whole swathes of the population are at risk, most often in government, law enforcement or even boards of directors of very large corporations. And I have examples.

Ask yourselves if city governments that introduce red light cameras, then speed up the lights at known dangerous intersections to ensure high ticket revenue, are smokers or non-smokers. I thought you would see what I mean. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. Several years ago, the giant corporation Coca Cola, decide to change the formula for the most popular drink on earth next to water, only to change it back after the new formula bombed. You must know that the board of the directors at the time were not known to be marijuana users. In more modern times, we have seen evidence that the guys who approved the production of the Pontiac Aztec at General Motors had never taken a toke in their lives.

You can add to the long and growing list of non-daily smokers, congressmen who appropriate funds for bridges to nowhere or those that hide money in their freezers. Not to be outdone are dear leaders who fire the occasional rockets across the sea of Japan. Not all non-smokers seek to make their activities that obvious. Here and there a bit of cleverness creeps in and they throw up a smokescreen to make you think they are not as brain damaged as you may have speculated. Take the militia group in Darfur that is hell-bent on creating the world’s largest refugee camp. These wags have been clever enough to disguise their degree of brain damage by calling themselves the Janjaweed.

There are countless examples to prove my assertion in all parts of the world. But Americans seem to have a hammerlock on the really big ones. Can you imagine the conversation that led the first purveyors of bottled water to their logical conclusion? Something like:
“Dude, the bottling plant down the road says they can’t take any more of our plastic bottles, dude. They’re going out of business. What are we gonna do with all these bottles?”
“I don’t know dude, but I’m having a bitching thirst from this weed you gave me. Got any water on you?”

Those guys are geniuses. On the other hand, if the water you drink costs more than the gasoline you used to go fetch it, you are not a long-tem user of marijuana.

Mike McFarlane

4.16.07